I am home and it is weird. Weird because I was gone for a week, really more like two weeks with our trip to Charlotte. Weird because I came back before my grandfather has passed. Weird because it feels oddly like I have abandoned him, my grandmother and my uncle who was left taking care of them both. I know I didn’t abandon them, but it sure does feel weird being back.
I had a moment with my gramps that was enlightening and saddening all at once. Sister Catherine, a nun and some relation to my grandfather, called wanting an update and to talk to him. My grandmother answered the call and got the wave off from my gramps. He was not in the mood to talk. But he was just talking to me a few minutes ago.
It took me a little bit, but then I figured it out. I thought that he would have liked to talk to people, after all he is a raconteur, a talker, a conversationalist. He and I agreed he would probably die from diarrhea of the mouth, which is more truth than fiction, talking robs him of the pure oxygen he is taking in.
So why would a man who loves to talk not want to take a phone call?
The goodbye.
My gramps has had a few episodes during this end of life experience. He was sure it was his time, but unfortunately, the bright light was not for him. But as he was experiencing the ups and downs, he was working to get all of his goodbyes said, but what happens when you don’t go peacefully when you want to? What happens when people call to check on you and they find out you are still around? They want to talk.
Eventually you have to say goodbye, it is the way our social contract is built. Not a social contact as it relates to being governed and forming a state, but the social contract that every person has between each other. When walking across campus, people say “Hi.” and as part of the contract, I am obligated to say “Hi.” in return. It breaks the social contract to just end a phone call, we have to wind it down and then eventually say goodbye.
For my gramps it would be inaccurate or inappropriate to say “See you later,” or “Talk to you later.” Because that simply may not be the case. And once he had said his final goodbye, any passing, social contract goodbye would cheapen the heartfelt farewell he had said earlier.
I totally get why he didn’t take the phone call.
When we flew home, we had to leave early, 4:45 in the morning. My gramps has not been getting the best sleep, drifting to sleep and snoozing, but having a hard time getting consistent stretches of sleep. I didn’t want to wake him up before we left, for fear that he might actually be getting restful sleep, so we said our goodbye before I went to bed.
Needless to say, after our goodbye, I didn’t sleep well. It was far to emotional for me to go to bed as easily as my body wanted me to.
My gramps’ goodbye was short and sweet and made me fight back bawling tears. I left him with a kiss after he said “Peace be with you,” and choked back tears as to not seem like a blubbering baby to my wife, cousin, cousin’s girlfriend and uncle.
It was hard.
My uncle reported that my gramps was doing well today and as much as I want to call and talk to him, I won’t. I don’t want him to have to say the goodbye again.